What Your Teenager Asked Me to Tell You

What your teenagers asked me to tell you

By Brandon Comstock, ksl.com contributor

December 16th, 2011 @ 10:53am

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SALT LAKE CITY -- For a teen, the basic goals of relating with parents are not all that different from your typical prisoner of war: First, give up as little information as possible, and second, do your best to endure whatever punishment might come your way. Parents, of course, are the dreaded interrogator. They dish out threats like, “If you ever want to see the light of day again, you’ll do what I say!” and use a variety of methods to make their message clear, like, “Play by my rules, or I’m going to make your life miserable.”

At least that’s how we as adults think they see it.

Recently, however, I got a unique chance to slip behind enemy lines and listen in on what a group of teens had to say about their relationship with you, their parents. While some of their peers may find their actions traitorous, they asked me to deliver a message back across the lines to you, their parents.

Recently, however, I got a unique chance to slip behind enemy lines and listen in on what a group of teens had to say about their relationship with you, their parents. While some of their peers may find their actions traitorous, they asked me to deliver a message back across the lines to you, their parents.

As a high school teacher, I'm generally on the same side of the fence as you are when it comes to students' opinions about opening up, but as I sat with this relatively diverse group of students one day, I was surprised to hear the unity of the voices that spoke. Whether they were a football captain or a math club president, the most popular kid in school or a social outcast, their message was the same: "We want to talk."

Now, before you think that this message is simply unbelievable, let me add on a bit of a qualifier: They also said that they want you to start.

Their shocking confessions came following a question that even I thought would yield wildly different results. At the conclusion of a class I was teaching, I simply asked them, “What do you wish your parents knew that you don’t want to tell them?” It didn’t take long for them to start shelling out advice for me to pass along.

The first girl to speak up responded, “I want them to push me. I need them too. When my parents pushed me in math I did well, but when they stopped, I lost the motivation and my grades dropped.”

As I looked around the room I saw a myriad of head nods that seemed to say, “Yep, we agree.” Still, I was skeptical, so I put it to a vote. I asked, “How many of you wish your parents would push you harder to achieve?” About two-thirds of the 30 hands went up. I was shocked, but, like a cool-headed interrogator, I decided not to show it.

I simply asked them, "What do you wish your parents knew that you don't want to tell them?" It didn't take long for them to start shelling out advice for me to pass along.

With very little delay another student raised his hand and, slowly, carefully choosing his words, said, “Sometimes, I just wish they would show some more interest in what I’m doing; you know, ask me some questions about it and stuff.”

Unsure what he meant, I pressed it a little. “What types of things are you talking about?” I asked.

“You know, like what I’m doing and where I’m going and stuff,” he answered.

Again, I was a little surprised; after all, this goes against everything I have been trained to believe as a parent/interrogator. So again, I asked the class what they thought.

I asked, “How many of you wish your parents would ask you more questions about what you’re doing and talk to you more?” This time, the number was higher: Almost three-quarters of the students raised their hands to agree.

Now before you get to jumping to conclusions and justifying away why your child is nothing like the 30 students I talked to in that class — or the several hundred I have had a chance to ask the same questions — who have given me the same answers since then, I need to make sure I tell you about the most important question they answered for me.

To put it bluntly, I was shocked and confused at the answers I had heard from my students, so I asked one final question to see if it was simply an error in my questioning: “If your parents were to do the things you just said you want them to do, how many of you would roll your eyes at them and act irritated that they would even ask?”

With the unanimity of a perfectly choreographed dance routine, their hands shot into the air to indicate that, indeed, they would.

If your parents were to do the things you just said you want them to do, how many of you would roll your eyes at them and act irritated that they would even ask? With the unanimity of a perfectly choreographed dance routine, their hands shot into the air to indicate that, indeed, they would.

Sensing my perplexity, a girl on the third row spoke up and said, “We’re teenagers, it’s our job.” Her response got a chuckle and, again, heads nodded in agreement as the students cleaned up their books and headed for the door with a smile.

Before they got away, I threw out one last question: "Are you OK if I tell your parents all of this?" One student replied, "Sure, someone has to, because we're not going to!"

So remember, even though the roles of interrogator and POW are not likely to change any time soon, don't despair, there's still hope. Just keep asking those questions, even if you do keep getting those irritated looks and eye rollings. After all, we're parents, it’s our job.