Found this Funny--(Don't Take it too Seriously)

Prospective student asks about USU's 'Mormon problem'

Published: Thursday, November 3, 2005

Updated: Monday, August 9, 2010 14:08

Editor's note: This is an actual letter that was sent to a Statesman editor. It is printed below exactly as it originally appeared. Following the letter are some of the statements two of our columnists responded with.

Hi, I am a student looking at Utah State University as my college of choice. Right now I am a senior in highschool. I am looking into a major in engineering. I have visited the college and I love the campus, but my main concern is something you cant exactly take a tour of ... Mormons! I live in a very Mormon town in Idaho. I am not Mormon my self. I personally do not care for them, and sometimes get very annoyed at their goodie-goodie ness. Maybe you could answer a couple questions about USU? Please understand I am not trying to offend anyone, I just want some straight answers. I have heard USU is a second BYU Provo, is this true? On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 is the most) how 'Mormon' is the student body? What is the party life like? Are the parties ever very big? Are any of the frats considered wild? What is underage drinking like? Are Mormons in your face all the time? Are you going to get weird looks on campus if you are doing something Mormons wouldn't agree with? eg a short skirt on a girl. What are the ladies like - be honest, are they typical stuck-up Mormon daddies girls? Do girls try to pressure you into getting married, should one date a Mormon girl? Are there any big rivalries in football/soccer or other sports? I don't play to major in partying, I just want to have the old college experience of attending my fair share of parties, and getting plenty drunk along the way. Thanks, Steve ps I got your email through a google search, i'm not a stalker or anything.

Steve: We think you've touched on some very important issues. Mormons, as a whole, are a huge concern around thse parts. Check the nooks. Check the crannies. Check under every rock in the riverbed. There are Mormons there. They are everywhere. You cannot escape them. To answer your questions ...

I have heard USU is a second BYU Provo, is this true?

• Sadly. No. USU is the first BYU Provo. Founded by Wilford Woodruff in the late 1890s, USU is funded entirely by a Mormon polygamist splinter faction. Besides, we're actually more like BYU-Hawaii, only replace the beaches of golden sand and clear water with a valley filled with fog, smog and trog and replace the the BY with US.

On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 is the most) how 'Mormon' is the student body?

• The hot Mormons usually rank around a 10. The ones with "sweet spirits" are usually more around a 2 or a 3. We usually add an extra point if she has red hair but that's just us. That's the coolest thing about USU; we let you come up with your own system to rank other students' Mormon bodies.

What is the party life like?

• There are plenty of opportunities to "cut loose" and a "have a good time" while remembering who you are, choosing the right and returning with honor. Still, ever seen "Animal House?" Ever seen "Johnny Lingo?" It's pretty much a cross between the two.

Are the parties ever very big?

• No one rocks harder than God.

Are any of the frats considered wild?

• Nah, they used to be but they started coming closer and closer to town, and folks started feeding them people food. Now they can't fend for themselves in the wild. It's kinda sad but we are setting up a reserve for them.

What is underage drinking like?

• A lot like drinking when you're of age, only illegal. It's also like driving when you're fourteen. You think you're cool, but every one older thinks you're a dork.

Are Mormons in your face all the time?

• As a non-Mormon, you will probably have to fight a few off. But don't worry, they're generally not physically strong and can be taken down with a simple punch to the throat, or kick to the groin. Also, holy water and garlic can fend most of them off.

Are you going to get weird looks on campus if you are doing something Mormons wouldn't agree with? eg a short skirt

• Steve, we don't care where are in the world. You shouldn't be wearing a short skirt. Come on man. You're better than that.

What are the ladies like - be honest, are they typical stuck-up Mormon daddies girls?

• Some girls come from polygamist households, which can result in the most serious of daddy issues. But the remainder of ladies (Mormon or not) ... that's a subject we are experts on. The ladies talk a lot. We're not sure about what. We also know they smell better than guys, have curves where we don't and get lost easily. They usually have soft hands.

Do girls try to pressure you into getting married, should one date a Mormon girl?

• Don't you watch sitcoms or read the funnies? Women are always tyring to get you to marry them. This is just part of life you're gonna need to get used to. Once chicks graduate high school they instantly begin looking for the ring. They that their hotness only lasts for so long and are looking to wrap you in while they can.

Are there any big rivalries in football/soccer or other sports?

• Football and soccer hate each other. It dates back hundreds of years to the time when what we call football s ole the name from what we now call soccer. Soccer's been pissed about it ever since. As for other sports: hockey hates basketball, wrestling hates boxing and lacrosse pretty much hates everyobdy else. What's with the off topic questions? Let's stick to stuff about USU.

As far as not wanting to major in partying, you should major in Spanish and minor in partying. And keep in mind your "fair share" of parties is two. Anymore than that and you're just being greedy.

Good luck, Steve, and godspeed.

Aaron Falk and Steve Shinney are both editors and columnists at the Utah Statesman. Comments, as well your own responses to Steve, can be sent to acf@cc.usu.edu, steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.