Oh, No! Clayton Family Dinners have visited OUR house!

Tonight, Joe and I woke from an afternoon nap rather late.  While Joe set to returning the Redbox movie that was due before nine (and in which we would have forgotten about, typically, until 8:45), I heated up burritos smothered in green sauce over rice, shredded lettuce, washed tomatoes and put in corn to heat.  Not enough for everyone--Turkey hotdogs are heated up too.
We called the children to "Dinner"--Hannah coming grumpily--having just awakened herself.

So, what did anyone learn about at Church?

Jonathan is asking, "What's the difference between Franfurters, Hot dogs, and Wieners?"

Susie and Jonathan are carrying on a separate conversation--Hey, that's not a wiener, anymore!  Jonathan says.  "No!  It's squishy like a cow's gutter (udder)!"  Susie retorts, squeezing the naked hotdog she has been peeling with her teeth in half. 

Joe and I taught Susie's class today with what I thought was a powerful lesson on Forgiving Others as Christ Did), "Susie, what did you learn about in Church?"  "Thanksgiving and turkeys!"  (The last 10 minutes of my lesson, of course!)

Meanwhile, Eva is singing loudly, "Poop and Pee!  Pooppy, Pee Pee!"

Hannah and Rebekah?  Rebekah was demonstrating a perfect "Hannah" as she prepares to eat anything--she licks it with her tongue.  Apparently, other cousins at the Family Reunion in Mexico noticed this too and had Hannah in stitches.  (Rebekah currently enjoys her Drama class and shares tid-bits about acting with us on a daily basis.)

Stick to A Task

Stick to a task 'til it sticks to you;
Beginners are many, but enders are few.
honor, power, place and praise
Will come, in time, to the person who stays.
Stick to your task 'til it sticks to you;
Bend at it sweat at it, smile at it, too.
For out of the bend and the sweat and the smile
Will come life’s victories, after awhile.


My mother, a thespian Red Devil from Springville High, used to quote this to us-while we did our chores.   LDS President Monson often is heard quoting the beginning of this but I really like the last several sentences.  Hope YOU do too!

Fall Leaves

Fall Leaves up Rock Canyon for Family Night.

 What is it with boys and rock slides, seriously?!  

This was one of several oh so tempting "climbs."

 Ahh, grasshopper!  JUMP, JUMP!

 Why yes, she did haul her thick (new) The Mark of Athena by Rick Riordan on our hike! 
Hiking and reading go hand-in-hand as you know.

 "Cheese!" (Kids pull the funniest poses last second, don't they?)

Delicious (and Easy) Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies.  

Did we just undo our hike?

Giant Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies
Recipe from The Best Bake Sale Cookbook
Ingredients:
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup dark brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1 large egg
1 large egg yolk
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour, lightly spooned into measuring cups and leveled with a knife (very high altitudes may want to try adding 2 additional tablespoons of flour)
1 cup quick-cooking oats
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon kosher salt (or 3/4 teaspoon table salt)
3 cups (or 18 ounces) chocolate chips (I used the big Ghirardelli milk chocolate chips and don’t think I wouldn’t be above using those chocolate chunks you can get in the baking aisle…)
Instructions:
Preheat oven to 325. If desired, line baking sheets with parchment paper or silicone mats.
Beat the softened butter, sugar, and brown sugar with an electric mixer until light and fluffy. Add the egg, egg yolk, and vanilla and mix until combined.
In a separate bowl, combine the dry ingredients (except the chocolate chips). Add to the butter/sugar/egg mixture and mix until combined. Add the chocolate chips and mix until just combined.
Using a 1/4 cup ice cream scoop, drop the dough by the scoopful onto the prepared baking sheets. You should be able to get about 6 cookies per sheet. Bake in the preheated oven for 12-15 minutes or until they begin to turn light brown around the edges. Remove from the oven and cool for 5 minutes and then transfer to a wire cooling rack and cool completely (or don’t…no shame…) Makes 18 giant cookies. If you’re feeling more modest, you can always use a smaller cookie scoop.  (We used our big cookie scoop and it made at least double the amount listed.  Also, I upped the cooking temp to 350--because our oven runs cooler than most and they still take about 12-15 min.  Look  for slightly brown around the edges.  So Yum-ME (as Baby yells)!

A Wicked Witch for Halloween?

 

Do you know the name for the Evil Stepmother of Snow White?  Grimhilde!  

That is who our Princess wants to be for Halloween!  

At least, that is who she wants to be today.   Mind you, in her less than 6 year old mind, her costume ideas are subject to change and have all ready changed from a Fairy, Snow Queen, Princess Aurora, or any other Princess to an Evil Queen.  I needed to know this morning because as per tradition at her school she (and I) has to craft a paper doll look-alike of her costume and it was due today!

In our haste, I forgot to get a photo of the final costumed doll.  Just picture the white pattern with a dark blue velvet dress glues on and the blue ribbon gathered and glues in the center (under the white yoke).  Now, Princess knows what she will do when she grows up--make Paper Dolls and sell them!

Unconquered

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Who was English Poet William Ernest Henley and why did he write this poem? Hensley was hospitalized for tuberculosis (of the bone) as a young man--age 17. After a painful lower leg amputation, he was told he would need another operation to save his other leg. However, he went to a different doctor and was able to keep his other leg by undergoing intensive surgery on his remaining foot. While recovering, he was moved to write the words of this poem. This challenge, as well as impoverished childhood, inspired the poem.  Despite his disability, Hensley led an active life until his death at the age of 53. The title "Invictus" (Latin for "unconquered"^[5]) was added by editor Arthur Quiller-Couch when the poem was included in The Oxford Book of English Verse .^{[6][7]  Wikipedia.}

The Stars Shine Brightest Amdist the Darkness

We're back from Mexico!
We carried off the Capbell Family Reunion and the race is ON to get all the children registered for schools, applying ofr lockers and school lunches, bus schedules, and school supplies--not to mentioned my doctors appointments and Susie's dentist appointment scheduled (for a painful cavity).

My Visiting Teachers visited yesterday.  These are two older sisters from the ward who are my other's age.  They began by asking about her.  (She fell and broke her L2 when we were in Mexico and then they delayed the surgery she needed until my Father went to the Head of the Hospital and pleaded  for help.  She is hoe now, but in a lot of pain.)

Then they told me they were sorry to hear of my brother Michael's passing.

So much has gone on this Summer, it is hard not to feel at times numb to it all...Elfi's aggressive Lymphoma and miraculous "cure", our miscarriage, neighbor's grandson's accidental drowning, Elfi's return of Lymphoma--need for Bone Marrow Transplant, Kelene Campbell's Mother's Bone Cancer, our pregnancy and (another) miscarriage, heart and neurological trouble, Scott's suicide--leaving wife Jenny and son to find him!; Michael's death, viewing, funeral, and emotional legal battles, mom's broken back, Elfi's extended hospital stay, etc.  All of this takes place between children's chores, piano lessons, Ballroom Camps, YW Camps, the mundane and usual and family happenings.

Then, one sister mentioned that she was sorry she did not come to the Funeral but was having her own "Family Crisis" during that time.  I asked her about this towards the end of our visit.  She has only a few grandchildren.  (One of her daughters has not married...others have a child or two.)  Her daughter that visited earlier on this Spring from Italy (where her husband is stationed with the U.S. Military) and their two children, has a daughter in the hospital.  "The little girl (5 yrs. old) complained of a headache in the morning and a stomachache in the afternoon.  Then she began seizures.  She is in acoma in the hospital in Italy.  Doctors have done brain scans but report very little activity because of the seizures she had.  They are saying it is Encephalitis/Viral Meningitis.  They suspect she will pass away soon even though the father has requested a transfer to Utah so they can bring her to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake."

Wow, this hit so close to home.  Joe and I had Viral Meningitis a year and a half ago and I am sure the severe neck, back pain I have (that doesn't respond to Tylenol and so I try cold packs, etc.) is residual nerve damage.  So innocent and sweet.  It seems that many children are being called "home."  I ached for this sweet lady--the pain so raw on her face.

What to do?  I went to a local bookshop and looked up books, partly for myself and partly for her.  I am afraid.  I don't want to "have time" for grieving...I have put it off so I could carry on with "Life."  What now?

Focus on the stars (the lights within the darkness) and move forward, I guess.

Today I woke up sick--sneezing, sore throat, climbing fever, kind of sick.  Thank you, Eva.  You are so sweet, we will try and not be too upset you gave me your cold (and it feels like I was hit by a Mack truck!)
Faith, Tylenol, popsicles and lots of tissue--that's what is getting me through.

Yesterday was Michael's funeral and a very long day.  I really enjoyed the two friends' talks by Keith Jacobson and Senator Mike Lee.  Also, the song I was leading (I am a Child of God, all four verses) sounded better than I thought it would--thanks to a practice during the viewing with Melissa, Stu, and Joe.

In the evening (after my daytime nap), we ate dinner and then spread a blanket on the floor, brought together a big bag of mini chocolate bars and Tootsie Rolls, and began to read The Chocolate Touch aloud.
What is better than chocolate for bringing serotonin and peace after a trying day, right?!

I did not count on chasing Eva down so often as her naked little hiney whizzed around the corner time and time again and her little potty is quite loud on the kitchen wooden floor--oh well.  She had no nap and so we gave her a little lea way.

A funny thought came to me at the Viewing last night.  God is merciful and though hard for us for Michael to pass right now--better for him.  He had not lost all his dignity to this debilitating disease, yet!

The day before--my silly heart struggled to "turn over" and "right itself" after laying down with Eva for a long time to put her to sleep on my left side.  When I got up and took Hannah across town, my heart was beating funny and full of pressure--I thought I was having a (mostly painless) Heart Attack.  When I Googled things, it turns out to fit a condition called MVP--Mitral Valve Prolapse.  This is a genetic condition that Mike (probably) had and my Mom.

Doctor Gordon Harkness mentioned that this may even be so intense becuase I halved my thyroid medications and it is TOO LOW and my heart is working hard while dormant.  Cardiologist are very hard to get into so we may have to get in through the ER.

This has added yet another lay of pressure on this early pregnancy.  Oh well, Proverbs 3:5-6 right?

Bittersweet Hope

This morning Joe accompanied me to the Infertility Endocrinologist, Shawn Gurtcheff, where she performed an early ultrasound.  We found out several weeks ago that we were expecting and also had a strange "almost period" at the beginning of June.  Was this implantation bleeding?  Could I be further along than usual?
The mind does strange things the night before an ultrasound.  In my early morning dream, an older Eva was followed around by two toddler boys, twins, with dark brown straight hair.

Well, the ultrasound showed a yoke sac, embryo, and fluttering heart beat.  Early, Six weeks.  AND another yoke sac.  A second sac.  Smaller.  No heartbeat or embryo detected.  Dr. Gurtcheff mentioned that it may have been that this sac was not fertilized or that it was not implanted.  "The body will probably reabsorb this sac."

Part of me feels torn.  Happy to have seen a little heart beat fluttering (which does cut down miscarriage rates to less than 50% when seen--but miscarriage is still an option, at least for the next six weeks or so.)  Sad to realize that this baby may have started out as two, one never developing (VTS--Vanishing Twins Syndrome).  This is much more common than we realize and has been brought up more because of technology and early ultrasounds where the second sac is found and identified before the mother, placenta, or baby's body absorbs the second sac.  Hmm.

Fool Hardy to hold out hope  for two--that conceptions and implantation dates could have been different and that might justify the smaller sac not detecting a heart beat yet?  Probably so. Still, I want to hold out hope!

Happy to be pregnant?  Yes.  Feeling like I've been pregnant all ready WAY too long to learn I am only just at the very beginning! Yes.

Estimated baby coming--mid March 2013.

When it Rains, it Pours!

The Korean's have a saying something like 'Bad things happen in 3s."  So, right about now--we would be finished with bad things.
It has rained today--a real answer to prayers--to help in the forest fires that have flared up all over the western states this dry, hot Spring.  It hasn't rained in 36 continuous days here, until today.  Today--we had "rain" inside and out!

About a week ago, we learned that we have a leak in the old, shingles that replaced the newly restored Exercise room.  Joe and I agreed to remove all the shingles ourselves to cut costs...can't in rain.

Joe's car wouldn't start after work, he limped to the car dealership to get it fixed, they stayed late and he tipped well only to have it not start?  Starter need replacing?

Anticipating the beginning of Summer holidays, birthdays, and reunions, I replaced all Dixie plates, lunch and dinner sizes, formal paper napkins, cups, etc. last week at Sams Club.  Joe heard a "rushing" sound and figured a teen was in the shower, Rebekah heard water and figured I was running a bath for sick Susie, Nope!  Jonathan came runnig up to our room yelling, "Mom, Dad, we've got a leak!  It's raining down stairs!"

Major leak in the upstairs new girls bathroom--flood, moved everything salvageable to the garage tonight...First night in ages ALL children were in bed by 9--got them all up (but whiny, sick Susie) to help carry stuff off Food Storage shelves to garage.  New carpet and pad all sopping, etc.

A bit overwhelmed!

The Master Gardner of My Soul  (rough draft)

Gardening in the sunshine this morning--
The birds sing, the sun shines down through dappled shade,
the hose lays at my feet--water gurgling musically over the patchy lawn.

Distracted.  I glance up at the roses which have run wild.
With clippers in hand, I cut off the limbs at random that reach towards heaven, spindly.
I trim them down so that the blooms may grow
ever bigger to fragrance the warm afternoon wind.

I place more pots of greenhouse flowers
yet to be planted around--in the garden, by the flower gardens.

What does my husband think--of all these pots of vegetables, flowers, and fruit?
Maybe his wife his gone mad?
It is a beautiful madness, still.
Our garden, front yard, and back yard are shaping up.
Finally, tended and forced from their wild states to ones of more structure and rigid routine.

Raking, hoeing, hacking out the weeds and volunteer brambles, things less desirable in our garden.

I reach over and pull an errant weed from the dry caked soil, looking at the once living, green thing before throwing it to the ground and grabbing more weeds.

Reaching, grabbing, grasping weeds and ripping them loose...Ahh.
Bending, sweating, exhausted--
A ray of light pierces my cloudy thoughts and I begin to cry,
as a drop of rain begins to fall watering my dark, dry, dormant thoughts.
Why all the gardening and the tending, the planting and mending?

Why?  Why the fixation with taming, trimming, tending, watering--
even after sunset and into the darkness.
Why the need, the urgency to prepare, to plant, to beautify?

The answers come like sprinkler water to dry soil,
To hide the dirt, 
the darkness, 
the pain of loss.
My own loss.

The ugliness, the shock, the pain, as a tiny baby once again slips free of the fertile grasp
it once had in me and lets go
and is gone into the water and is washed away.

Sweet Baby.  Why did you have to go away?
Just in the Springtime...on Easter Sunday.

I bought herbs and lavender instead of Easter Lilies this year.
(Excited to plant something to live and grow, thrive and survive--
not like our cut Easter Lilies that bloom and fade and eventually die.)
Transplanted, the herbs made it safely to the soil.
Now, they thrive but the lavender did not.

Why do some plants and children thrive and grow--unbeknownst to themselves the wonderful,
 nurtured lives they lead?
Others, who bloom with such great promise, like the Lavender, fade away and are gone
or as the petunias, under the carefree grasp of a young toddler, are plucked up, smelled, thrown down,
forgotten, and shrivel up.

Is there one in charge of this vibrant patch of eternal ground,
this bit of earth,
this bit of clay, the living, growing human inside of me?

Who is in charge here--where souls, like plants and weeds, are saved or disregarded?  The living souls, no longer bright, the remains a brittle shell of it's once glorious being.

Who can know these things?  The Master Gardner, of course.
It is He that I seek.
He, to whom, all is known.

He clothed the lilies of the fields
in their splendid skirts of scarlet,
He feeds the birds of the sky
even noting when one sparrow falls.

Does he, like rose limbs, cut me back--errant limbs reaching for the sky but producing no blooms?
Must he, like me, rake the hard earth, hacking it up, mixing soil and clay,
Toiling to make me a more fertile place where once more a tender, small, soul may be planted?

Can He see the barren soil of bitterness left in my heart,
and doubt amidst the patches of green hope and bright flowers of faith?
Is He trimming back my thorny, limbs?
Finding the wick under the fragile, dry soil facade.

Will the pain, the stretching, the bending, the breaking, reveal a new life?
Uncover a new, undiscovered, strong soil--like rich brown earth tilled up under the cracked,
hard dirt of the painful experiences of my past?

Will He water me with water of everlasting life,
instead of my poor excuse for moisture--the salty tears I have shed?

Does he have a master plan, for me, in His eternal garden?

I know He does.